Tips If You Want To Sell On The Evilbay

Be prepared to have to bid too high at an auction to even get your merchandise in the first place. This puts you in desperation mode immediately making you resort to 3 day auctions or buy-it-nows that expire and have to be relisted a 100 times. Sellers all around you are getting $100 for that industrial lamp. But you? You cannot sell it for $12. That set of $300 luggage? Even though they KNOW it's worth what you're asking, they will message you asking you to halve the price AND ship for free.

• Boxes, bubble wrap, packing peanuts and tape just fall from the sky...shhh, don't tell buyers. They believe that fairy tale. So...don't pass any of these costs on. It will ding your "shipping and handling cost" star rating.

• Photograph the item, copiously, even unnecessarily so.

• Describe item. Make sure you list every flaw, and I MEAN every flaw even ones that appear obvious to most intelligent people. Smells, marks of any sort, even removable ones. They won't read it anyway, but at least you've covered your ass in a dispute...right? Whoops, forgot. That won't matter because you're a seller and sellers are always wrong. Repeat this. "I am a seller, therefore I am always wrong" It's your new mantra.

• That doll with the buzzcut that you photographed 12 times and listed as "used", "played with", and "for repair"? They will expect it to be in mint condition anyway and they WILL complain. 

• Even so, take out your micrometer and measure the length of each hair that is left. Don't forget it. Also make sure you say it has had a haircut, a buyer might be too stupid to see this in the 12 pictures you posted of it. Even if it's a standard sized item like an 11 inch Barbie doll...measure it, because some idiot WILL ask the length.

• Realize that you DO have a return policy, they force it on you, even if you state you don't accept returns. When a buyer makes a complaint, even an unfounded one, you're a seller, you're always wrong, and they will freeze your funds and just take them. Your side of the story does not matter. Your money is never yours until 45 days have passed or positive feedback is left, and since only about 10% of bidders leave feedback, good luck. Good luck explaining this to your bill collectors too.

•  You aren't allowed to go anywhere, ever. Someone who bought something off of you two weeks ago might suddenly have a problem with the item, and if you're not at their beck and call and within inches of an interweb device at all times so you can fix whatever their problem is immediately then you're a bad seller.

• Car broke down and you cannot see yourself lugging a 20 pound box across town on foot to the P.O. this weekend? Too fuckin' bad, you'd better do it or ELSE (see buyer message on timeline).

•  On your death bed? Too bad. You've gotta take care of business before anything else if "your gonna be a seller on ebay" You CAN'T die. You're not allowed to, unless a buyer says you can. That shit will get you a one or two star rating for sure.