What is Ebay's "Money Back Guarantee?"

 In this blog I will provide a brief breakdown of what "Money Back Guarantee" means in something other than eBayspeak.

Example: Buyer wins item. Buyer sends money. 

Seller packs and sends item with tracking within fucking handling time limit. Item takes too long getting there. Impatient asswipe buyer opens case. Seller now has several days to fork over entire purchase price including shipping from their own fucking bank account or else the case gets "escalated" if case gets escalated, seller then gets a strike against their account. Meanwhile, during all this, eBay has already hijacked the money and is holding it. If the case is escalated and the seller appeals and loses - eBay then takes $20 more, as if the insult of having shit stolen from you isn't enough bullshit.

eBay guarantees that you, asswipe impatient buyer, gets your money back. eBay, however, does not explain that it's not them footing that bill...nope, it's your friendly, now pretty pissed off seller who has done nothing wrong, and will now lose out on merchandise, packing supplies and shipping costs. Merry Fuckin' Christmas.

Why There Are 10K Complaints at BBB About eBay

 Hey ebay. Here is a little bit of schooling as to WHY people are jumping ship in droves. Last week, I sold a bunch of stuff. Ebay implemented a hold on 3 select items. These items totaled $384 "pending delivery" dontcha know. Today one for $180 got delivered, and I got treated to this.

To top that off, when I checked my e-mail to see what may have gone to the inbox, I am treated to spammy "relist" messages. Uh yeah, no assholes. I won't be listing ANYTHING until you cough up my $400.

Ebay For Bidnezz

I answered ol' Arnold. I told him I would drop it by about $5 and that was it. No accusations, no rudeness. Customer Service Persona Y'all! He went away and left me a positive on ebay, lol. WTF? I guess he was shocked when I did not go on the offensive.

That same week that Arnold played his foolish game, an Aussie buyer bid $70 on a Barbie outfit and didn't pay. I filed for non-payment cancellation several days later. That same day, two hours after I cancelled the first item for non-payment, she fucking bids on and wins ANOTHER outfit. I said Fuck that shit and cancelled immediately using the address excuse. I am sick of my merchandise being tied up for days while I am getting dicked around.

I am pretty sure I have a live one this week too. She messaged me as soon as the auction ended: "Pack it well." 

I am like..."Here we go". I packed the doll (well!) and it came up 3 ounces over. FUCK.MY.LIFE. I void the original postage and slap a new one on with the correct weight on it. I did not want to add postage on my own in case it wasn't enough and she got hit with a charge - oh hell no, not stirring up that drama. 

Instead, what has followed was comedy of errors that only happens to me...

First, my local P.O. did not scan it at drop-off. Every single other box I dropped off that day was scanned. Of course this one did not get scanned, of course it did not. 

I go on USPS.com and ask for texts tracking it. Suddenly, the item shows as scanned - a day late! Now, each evening for the last week I hear my Muscle Man ringtone yell "My MOM!"and it is USPS telling me that the stupid doll is still en route. No shit, you don't say?

It FINALLY gets to L.A. and says "out for delivery" then suddenly it's "Missent" and is now circling the Greater Los Angeles area like an unflushable turd in a toilet bowl. Of course it was the picky buyer, of course it was. I am sure something stupid is coming down the pike on this one.

In other ebay BS news, nowadays when something goes unpaid or unsold on ebay, I raise the price and move it over to Etsy. My Etsy sales are fairly steady at 1-2 a day. The buyers on that venue are generally sane and are willing to pay for their shit. I've shoveled a lot of ebay unsold over there and sold it for higher prices.

I was kind of amused today when I was looking at my active ebay listings and it shows an unsold Care Bear and tells me to drop the price by $5. Instead I raised it by $15 and put it on Etsy.  

Hey Arnold

 So Arnold the deadbeat bidder continues to plague my life. Today I got a message on Etsy from some asshole named Arnold asking me to lower my price on the same doll that an asshole named Arnold bid on, won, and then cancelled on ebay.

This Arnold lives in NY and sells Halloween masks and Bewitched dolls. Oddly enough, Arnold the deadbeat on ebay also sells Halloween masks and dolls. Coincidence? I think not. 

I am sorely tempted to message "Arnold" back, and ask him why he just didn't pay for the fucking doll when he originally won it on ebay. My Customer Service persona prevents me from doing so. I will probably just politely tell him the price is firm and thank you for your interest. lol.

Kiss My Arse eSclong

 Today I sold a doll for $80.00. Within minutes, my high bidder cancelled the sale. His name is Arnold G_____ and he lives in NY. Arnold sells the same type of shit I do. I believe he thinks he is teaching a "noob" a lesson - or he has a similar item and want to fuck with the price. In any case, Arnold G is a fucking asshole for toying with my income.

I attempted to send my second bidder an offer to at least salvage some income, and was met with a red error message from eBay. Well, fuck them then. I listed it on Etsy for a couple of bucks under what I "sold" it for. From now on, anytime something doesn't sell, I am not going to relist, send a second chance offer or otherwise give eSchlong the chance to make any money off of me. It's going on Etsy. 

Are they the lesser of two evils? Sure, but with them, there are no holds, less fees and less shady bullshit from buyers.

Broken Wagon

 So after a year and a half hiatus, I am back to resale. First, I tried to get into eBay's famously mismanaged payments. "Your name doesn't match the one on the account". "Change the name on account" and "we can't verify". So an 8 year old TRS account with 2,000 feedback and most importantly, no payment holds is now useless. I start a new account. 

I am pissed about this - because this is the fucking 3rd account I've had to tank because of eBay's archaic policies - my original account was started in  April of 1998 and should have had over 5,000 feedback by now, but because of kid glove buyer handling, well, here we are. 

I start new account, and rack up some buying feedback and establish it. This September, I list a few things to test the water. Of course 3 of the transactions are international. I not only have to pay some money out of pocket for postal fees, but am told "funds held until fucking November and all the way to December 6th. 

This is utter fucking bullshit - especially since eBay KNOWS that I am the holder of the aforementioned 8 year old account. I've called, I've messaged eBay for Business, I've sent in tax returns, I've verified the bank account - no dice. Simply because the 1099 Paypal name on my tax return does not match the eBay account. A CS rep says to me "You need to change your name to match the account"(!). Like hell, I am going to drive 11 miles to the SS office and change my fucking name AGAIN so that you assholes can then finally add 2+2. No thanks. You can already see that I have the same birthdate, address, first and middle name and even SS# and EIN# of the account holder. The only fucking difference is the last name on the 1099!

Today I finally got payment for shit I listed in September. Assholes. After fees and deferred shipping labels, I got $78 lousy bucks from selling $140 worth of shit. Fun.

Also the wonderful fall update happened - categories for dolls (my best seller) are now just "dolls" and "doll clothing". All the doll boards I belong to are erupting with anger about their saved searches and not being able to find the needle in the proverbial haystack. IE they can no longer find what they want to buy. Joy. 

Unfortunately, the ones who do find shit they want to buy try and lowball you to death.

No more Best Offer. I am unchecking that box permanently. I am sick of the BS. 

I list a complete outfit for an obscure 80's doll - ballpark sold on it is $19ish. I list it for $14.95 because now that I look like a noob I have to price shit low to hook buyers *headdesk*. 

Asshole tries to send me offer of $7.00 on the outfit. Uhhh no. I decline. They reoffer $10.00. $10.00 in the hand is worth $14.00 in the bush, I can let ONE go. I accept, and then get another offer of $20.00 for a dress that has 12 watchers on it and that recently sold for $60.00 consistently. I decline and state my reason - then I remove best offer from the dress.

Then I get an offer of $6.00 on something else I had listed for $14.95. WTF? Is it fun to be insulting or something? I decline and counter with $9.00. They counter with the original $6.00. Fuck you, pal. I decline and then proceed to remove Best Offer from everything I've listed. Fixed that wagon.  

Little Bitom Of Honey

 It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure of dealing with a blood boiling shit ass of a buyer. This week, I got one!

I had some fabric "fat quarters" for sale. I was asking $5.25. This bitch offered $4.00. I took it. She paid at 4:47 PM - my mailman picked it up at 4:58 PM - same day.

Fast forward to May 4:

Where is my package? I'm going to open a case because this un unacceptable. Where is my package? 

Me (after going wtf?):

 What is unacceptable? It was mailed within 24 hours and tracking says it is out for delivery today. It was mailed first class. Things don t teleport.

This bitch did not disappoint.

Answer #1 (sent at same time as #2):

You will be reported for your bad customer service. I'm opening a case against you. You should not speak to a paying customer this way.

Answer #2:

 It is unacceptable for my package to say it's going to be here on a specific day and then I get an alert that its delayed. Thank is what is unacceptable. Do you understand. I will be sure to leave a detailed review of my experience. Good day.

Now this c*nt doesn't seem to understand that the USPS is not run by eBay sellers. How the fuck it is this MY fault?

Me:

 I mailed the package within MINUTES of your purchase. You are the unreasonable one here.

Yesterday the bitch left me a negative and sent me this ever so rational note.

Your attitude is 100% unacceptable. Learn how to be professional if you are going to sell, if you can't do that then you should not be selling. I left a negative review on your seller account because of the words you spoke to a paying customer not because of shipping. I had every right to ask where my package that I paid for was. So don't you ever tell a customer that things are teleported.

She can get bent though. I had it removed and sent this parting shot: 

"Where is my package? I'm going to open a case because this un unacceptable. Where is my package?"

This is exactly how you came at me. Having good customer service does not include being a doormat. FYI You may not want to threaten someone who sent your item out on time with a case if you want them to answer you in a polite manner. Don't bother answering me. I've now blocked you.