I love my job?

This buyer doesn't understand that you have to be SPECIFIC about numbers here. 2 plates weigh 4 pounds, 3 will weigh 6, and so on.

I don't know, dude. Let me grab another plate, weigh the pile and look it up and give you specific pricing as I add each plate and when I get to the 12th one or so we'll call it a day.

Hell, if you just want me to just add on to the cost for each plate then for shits n giggles let's just say we'll add $5 a plate to ease my pain and suffering because you keep asking non-specific, ambiguous questions and I keep trying to answer them correctly. It's time to bust out my headless chicken and voodoo wheel so I can finally be right.

Dear S___,
how much shipping for additional plate?

Dear i___liang,
I can send two plates to Arizona for $11.30. Hope this helps.

Dear S___,
thanks for the quick reply, what I meant was if I win more than one, how much additional plate cost to ship, I know the first one is $11 something

Dear i___liang,
I can ship up to two for $11, 3 will probably be in the neighborhood of $13, it depends on how many you are talking about, I've got to weigh them in order to figure that out.

Tips If You Want To Sell On The Evilbay

Be prepared to have to bid too high at an auction to even get your merchandise in the first place. This puts you in desperation mode immediately making you resort to 3 day auctions or buy-it-nows that expire and have to be relisted a 100 times. Sellers all around you are getting $100 for that industrial lamp. But you? You cannot sell it for $12. That set of $300 luggage? Even though they KNOW it's worth what you're asking, they will message you asking you to halve the price AND ship for free.

• Boxes, bubble wrap, packing peanuts and tape just fall from the sky...shhh, don't tell buyers. They believe that fairy tale. So...don't pass any of these costs on. It will ding your "shipping and handling cost" star rating.

• Photograph the item, copiously, even unnecessarily so.

• Describe item. Make sure you list every flaw, and I MEAN every flaw even ones that appear obvious to most intelligent people. Smells, marks of any sort, even removable ones. They won't read it anyway, but at least you've covered your ass in a dispute...right? Whoops, forgot. That won't matter because you're a seller and sellers are always wrong. Repeat this. "I am a seller, therefore I am always wrong" It's your new mantra.

• That doll with the buzzcut that you photographed 12 times and listed as "used", "played with", and "for repair"? They will expect it to be in mint condition anyway and they WILL complain. 

• Even so, take out your micrometer and measure the length of each hair that is left. Don't forget it. Also make sure you say it has had a haircut, a buyer might be too stupid to see this in the 12 pictures you posted of it. Even if it's a standard sized item like an 11 inch Barbie doll...measure it, because some idiot WILL ask the length.

• Realize that you DO have a return policy, they force it on you, even if you state you don't accept returns. When a buyer makes a complaint, even an unfounded one, you're a seller, you're always wrong, and they will freeze your funds and just take them. Your side of the story does not matter. Your money is never yours until 45 days have passed or positive feedback is left, and since only about 10% of bidders leave feedback, good luck. Good luck explaining this to your bill collectors too.

•  You aren't allowed to go anywhere, ever. Someone who bought something off of you two weeks ago might suddenly have a problem with the item, and if you're not at their beck and call and within inches of an interweb device at all times so you can fix whatever their problem is immediately then you're a bad seller.

• Car broke down and you cannot see yourself lugging a 20 pound box across town on foot to the P.O. this weekend? Too fuckin' bad, you'd better do it or ELSE (see buyer message on timeline).

•  On your death bed? Too bad. You've gotta take care of business before anything else if "your gonna be a seller on ebay" You CAN'T die. You're not allowed to, unless a buyer says you can. That shit will get you a one or two star rating for sure.

Sales Whore

Charley was whining yesterday because he "spent too much" IE $5 on Roman, $20 for comic inventory, and another $5 at Wally. I am thinking "Wow. you're pretty fuckin' sheltered, pal"

Try paying some bills. Then you'll have something to whine about.

I handed my money over to the electric company, the cable company, the mortgage company, 2 insurance companies, the town and my bankruptcy trustee. What have I got to show for it? A roof over my head, electricity, running water, and a handful of extra channels to watch - nothing is ever on them.

I cringe because this past week I spent $110 on resale items. They will make a solid $200-$300 for me. It's just the work I dread. I like being able to sell one item and make a weeks pay, lol, not have to list 20-30 things and then break my ass trying to make one, illiterate sorehead out of the 20-30 happy. I notice that people that spend the big bucks, well, they don't complain. It's always the one asshole that spends $5 on what was originally like $50 that complains.

This past week I had another winner. 1960s ice cream freezer. These days people usually use them for decor. Not this one. I listed it and mentioned it had "weathering and rust". She opens a case without contacting me (of course) saying "item not as described" and requesting a "replacement" because there was "sticky residue that smelled like varnish" inside the canister.

Now, I don't know about you, but I sure as fuck don't have six 50 year old ice cream freezers lying around to just send out as replacements, nor do I have time to look for another one. Not to mention since most of those fuckin' things go for $50 and up, I sure as hell am not going to lose $25 more "replacing" the goddamned thing.

I send her a message "What is it that you want? A refund? A partial refund?" She replies saying she didn't mean to open the case, just followed some links, etc etc, maybe she can clean it. She neglects to think about the fact that the fuckin' case is still open. Yeah, you may be able to clean it, but as long as the case is open, I am in screwsville still. 

I refund all her money...even the shipping to just be rid of her and she sends me a message saying "Chill. she may be able to clean it" Yeah but the case, lady. The CASE. She refuses to say just what it is that she wants. I figure though, that with a full refund evilbay will most likely close the damned case and be done with it, or at least I HOPE that's what they'll do.

People Are Such Dirt

My non-paying-receiver-of-plates-that-she-did-not-pay-for, still hasn't paid. She has not answered messages, or the two non-paying bidder cases I filed on her. Today I did my last ditch effort. I explained to her that the plates belong to my mother-in-law, who works 40 hours a week at a nursing home, that she's elderly, and that those fuckin' plates were the only thing of value she had to sell to pay off her tax bill.

My mother-in-law will get her money either way, but I'd prefer that the stupid non-paying bidder would do what's right and pay for the merchandise she received, or send it the fuck back. I offered to send her a pre-paid label with which to do so...this would put me $30 in the hole for shipping, but it's better than $80!

I went to evilbays message boards for any info about what to do. Some woman had the same thing happen to her, and other posters were like "You're stupid" and "You just sent them a gift" and "How could do that and not notice?". It WAY easy to do when your money is constantly on hold and you're used to paying out of pocket. You just go down the line of items and click on "print shipping label", that's how. I did not notice she hadn't paid until a few hours after I sent the box.

Since when has it become okay to capitalize on someones mistake and keep something that doesn't belong to you? Does anyone out there have any morals or conscience anymore?

If you found a wallet with $80 in it with full ID inside, would it be okay to just keep it, knowing full-well who it belonged to? You don't know what someone may have had to do to earn that money. I just either want the money for the goddamned plates, or the plates themselves so I can re-sell to someone who will actually pay.

Update: She sent me a message a day or so after I wrote this claiming she'd pay. She never did. She lives in Alabama...with my mother-in-law's plates.

Turkey Basted

I set up a new evil-bay account. I jump through all the requisite hoops, only 10 items a month, 24 hour shipping, 21 day wait for payment. I sell some dinnerware to help Master (my mother-in-law, don't ask where that nickname came from, lol) out and,...drumroll please...an idiot buyer strikes again, but not before a comedy of errors that apparently only happen to me.

Buyer pays. I attempt to print out the shipping label, and get an error message saying to pay using my poo-pal account. Well, ASSHOLES, my money is on HOLD. I don't have $69 in my bank account...any of them.

Since my phone needs minutes and a charge, I e-mail poo-pal requesting they release shipping funds only from the transaction. I get a response saying to call. I charge my phone, log in to my Virginmobile account and top-up. I keep trying to dial out and get the snotty-toned "I'm sorry you have to top-up" message. I call them and get an Indian outsource who keeps insisting that I put $20 more on it. I write them a pissy e-mail and get a form e-mail regurgitating what the indian guy said.

Fuckin' A. I e-mail poo-pal again, I explain that I have NO phone access at this time. By this time, the turkish buyer is pissing and moaning about "When will I ship?" I tell him I am having problems with evil-bay shipping, please be patient. poo-pal responds..."Call evil-bay customer service, here's the phone number" Did I not just tell them I HAVE NO PHONE ACCESS?

The turkish guy gets all pissy and wants me to cancel the transaction, I refund his money and then cancel. He is out nothing but $109 for 24 hours...he leaves me a negative. There goes my feedback. I hate people.

Screwed Over On The Evilbay Highway To Hell

I am learning the many ways that the unnamed one screws over a "noob" seller. First, when you start a new account there, you are allowed only 10 auctions a month.
Poo-pal does the requisite holding of the funds. This is usually until 3 days after the item has shown up as delivered, but it can be up to 21 days. You just TRY calling your mortgage company and telling them "Sorry. I've got the money, but it's on hold. Thanks for your patience" - lol.

Recently, I've also found that if you sell internationally, be prepared to have enough in your bank account to cover costly foreign shipments, because you WILL be footing the entire bill until poo-pal decides to release the funds, if it doesn't get delivered, or your buyer pulls a fast one...Oh well. Too bad for you.

Yes. They now are not releasing shipping funds. They will allow you to fund up to $15 or 30% of the item cost if it exceeds $15, on "credit" that's it, the rest is on you. By credit, I mean they allow you to be "billed later" which causes more unforseen problems when the transaction was a month ago, and they suddenly decide it's time to be paid, you've forgotten because it's been so long, but Bank of America is ever-so-happy that you did...lol

So, in short, the poor guy who bought my mother-in-laws dishes had to wait around for two days while I went back and forth with idiots who cannot seem to grasp the fact that because of Virgin Mobile, right now new seller Amy is phoneless and unable to contact them via phone...since they conveniently don't have an e-mail address. The guy paid me nearly $70 for shipping, but since they won't release it, and I don't happen to have that amount lying around to blow on shipping, I had to refund him and cancel the transaction.

How that company has continued to prosper with business practices like this, I'll never know. Not only are they missing out on a shitload of fees that they used to get from "smalltime" sellers when they get banned for stupid reasons, but they are probably costing themselves countless fees from newer sellers that are forced to cancel transactions when they can't foot a huge shipping bill.

Ebay's Bitter Barista

Yes. They come in waves. You'll get 100 good customers, a handful of great ones and then you get the know-it-alls and the idiots. Last week was a guy that bid on some antique brackets.

On my auction terms I say "payment within 3 days, please" I send him an invoice, no response, I wait 3 days, send him another invoice, no response.

2 days after the 2nd invoice, I send the 2nd bidder a 2nd chance offer, she accepts and pays...then the next morning, the first idiot pays. Not only does he pay, he also instructs me to send the thing to an unverified address in UAE, his payment address states Germany. Uh-uh. I refund him immediately, and send him a request to cancel transaction, he agrees, then a couple of days later he leaves me a negative. He could not be bothered to respond to two invoices in 6 days, but he sure as hell took time to shit on my feedback as soon as he possibly could. ARGH! I call ebay. They said that even though there was no transaction he's entitled to leave his opinion about it. Since I am a seller, I am not, and the feedback won't be removed either. I hate their policies. HATE them.

Today I get militant light shade buying man leaving me a packing message. I have done this for 14 years. I have yet to get a negative about my packing .

"Please,please wrap good. LOts of stuff coming n broken. USPS "do" drop & toss!!!Shippin big strong box keep awayfrom "bottom"- sides really helps. Tape not wrapping material. Peanuts & Bubble wrap R. Walmart bags not.tks, Matt"

I get that he doesn't want his shit broken, but I don't like unsolicited "tutorials" I know how to ship a light fixture, dude.

Then, there's Miss I-Want-To-Cancel-My-Bid-Even-Though-I-Won-The-Item. It pisses me off when people bid on shit and then turn around and don't want it, we sellers still get charged a fee even if we don't get paid because there was a bid! I sent her a "cancel transaction" notice so that I can get my fees back. UGH.