Dear National Grid

Dear National Grid,
Is it okay if I pay you next Monday after next even though the bill is due this Tuesday? Just because.
                                   Love,
                                   Amy

I just sold something. It went pretty high. Higher than expected, really. But I am thinking I would have almost preferred one of the lower bidders got it at half the price and at least paid right away because I just got this message:

Hello, I am so thrilled to win this Beautiful doll!!
I need to ask if will be ok to pay this coming up Saturday?
Thank you,
J-----

Gah. Why did you not ask this question before you bid? I timed these auctions to end today specifically because my electric bill is due in a few days and I am on a fixed payment plan in an arrears management program because last winter kicked me in the ass!

I told her fine and shut off unpaid item assistant. At least she had the decency to contact me and not leave me hanging all week, but gaujkshfksaklsls and &^%#@%^*.

Interception

About a year ago I experienced a big problem with a package I accidentally shipped out after ebay directed me to "print shipping label" when the bitch who bought the plates had not paid in the first place. I wrote a blog about it last year.
http://ebaysbitterbarista.blogspot.com/2013/07/people-are-such-dirt.html

What I didn't know and wish I had back then is there is a handy feature on the USPS website called "package intercept". I could have stopped that friggen thing had I known about it, and the non-paying bitch who "bought" the plates would not have wound up as a blocked thief, only a deadbeat bidder. The link to the package intercept is this:
https://retail-pi.usps.com/retailpi/actions/index.action

Learning to Read

http://www.ecommercebytes.com/C/letters/blog.pl?/pl/2014/8/1409084001.html
I just read the above article, in which a seller complains about a costly side effect of FedEx labels. If you're able to read, then when printing the label, you can check the box that says "this is a residential address"  under the buyer's name and address before you print and you'll be charged the correct amount right when you print it out.

I don't drink any eBay kool-aid. I am not on their side. It's run by a bunch of silver spoon, suit and tie, borderline evil people. Their software is run by some baboons and chimps with iPhone5s, lol.  All their CS reps are Peggys in far east countries reading scripts. I know who I am dealing with. The light is on but nobody's home except when a small seller "fucks up" then the MC999 party's over. But be real. There's no conspiracy here in this particular case. Be smart. Read about things before you spend money on them.

I still use FedEx as an option on very large or heavy packages because even with the extra "residential address" charge, it's cheaper than the USPS for my stuff going to the west coast. Though I recently read that they are charging for "dimensional weight" which may change that.

Lazy Asses

This guy in my group had one sale...count it, ONE on Bonanza. And now he's the self-appointed all-time expert of branching out to different sites. He goes on and on about it, and if anyone questions it, they're labelled as "negative". 

I am not negative, I am realistic. I have sold maybe 10 things on Bonanza in the course of a year and a half. Etsy has been better, but it's not enough to support 4 people. Charley has an ecrater account for about 6 months and no sales, and he plugs his shit on social media constantly. He spends an hour or two a day pushing his Bonanza booth and his ecrater shop. It doesn't help. Hence my and his still selling on the evilbay, part-time jobs, and returning of cans, and therefore my questioning of the viability of other sales sites.

Group guy's all like "My sales will take off because I am not going to stay on ebay and hope it works out" etc. He then goes on about teaching yourself marketing and advertising. 

That's all well and good, but this is my problem with other sites. I should not have to do promotion and advertising, that's why I am paying them fuckin' fees! 

Charley does his own marketing and advertising and it does no good! He's no slouch either. He used to be webmaster of several "adult" sites. He knows how to drive traffic, believe me.

When I started Bonanza and Etsy, I did the self-promotion thing. I did it for months. If people want what you're selling, they'll find it and if the price is right, they'll buy. I should not have to annoy people with "Hey! You want a dolly like this one?" Nah. Didn't think so.

I got one $5 sale out of my "marketing and advertising". Most people were annoyed by the tweeting and re-tweeting of sales crap. Myself, when I was on Twitter, which was not often because I find it mind-numbing, I found myself getting annoyed by other people pushing their wares. It felt desperate to me.

Group guy then goes on and accuses others of watching too much TV instead of marketing their shit. 

Nope. I don't market my shit anymore. It did nothing but waste my time. I find shit that will sell in the first place. I watch maybe a half-hour of TV after I put my son to bed, around 11:30 at night. 

Today we got up, got dressed, drove to a place a half hour away to empty out some guys shed/garage and loaded a trailer headed for the auction house we work at. WE were there all day. I don't have time most days to fart around on Twitter or other social media sites plugging shit. When we went home, we checked our listings and did some research. I cooked supper, and did more research. 

Maybe he has all goddamned day to do the work that the sales sites should be doing for him, but a lot of us don't.

This guy posts repeatedly, almost annoyingly so. If anyone else has a diverging opinion, he runs them over like a California food truck headed for the beach. It's getting so that a lot of us don't bother posting anymore because we know he'll jump on and start spewing BS. 

Then there's the OLA cheerleader chick: "It's a great place to sell, but I don't know what sells there". If you're going to push a site, know something about what sells. These two have taken over almost every discussion on the board. I am all for being vocal, but live and let live. Other people have different circumstances than you do, their opinions, the merchandise they sell, and what they will try with sales will be different. Don't judge them for still selling on ebay.

I got in a pissing match with Group guy last week because I pointed out that the other selling sites don't have traffic. He immediately posts the the "Seller's Choice 2014" list with ratings of all the different sites and uses that as his argument that other sites have traffic. 

The list says Bonanza is the "best" one, but when you look closer there are 6 criteria that people are using to rate the sites. One was profitability. The ONLY one that matters. Ebay rated first. Bonanza's profitability was rated 6th behind Ebay, Etsy, Craigslist, Rubylane, and Amazon. Who gives a crap how easy a site is to use if it doesn't make you any money? 

The Wall of Shame

My wall of shame has a new addition this morning. These dolls normally sell for $35-$300. This clown this morning sends me this message. The thing now has a bid, so I don't even have to entertain their crappy cheap-ass "offer". My opening bid was a reasonable to begin with $30.

Would you take $15 for the doll?

8/22/14 10:09 AM: The person who actually won the doll hasn't paid 2 days later and I am going on vacation til Tuesday on Sunday. I hope for her sake she pays within the next 24 hours or she'll be waiting a long time for that thing.

Cold War

In the past week I sold two older dolls. I giggled a little to myself because one buyer was registered in Ukraine and the other, the Russian Federation. Charley made a comment "Now they're fighting over dolls".

Sorry to my Lithuanian grandmother that I sold goods to a Russian, and sorry to myself that I sent something to Pittsburgh (I am a die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan, if you know football, you know why Pittsburgh would be bad), but he's quiet. He leaves me alone!

The Ukrainian guy is driving me nuts. He has 0 feedback and is paranoid about every little thing. Make sure doll packed good, when is doll being mailed?, did you mail doll? Is birthday gift, please pack carefully.

Jesus.

He's the "kid gloves" type of person that the CS rep warned me about a few years back. I insured the fuck out of that thing. I don't normally go above and beyond the normal $50 included with priority, but this guy is driving me batty.

Like an idiot, I forgot to add the insurance number for tracking last night when I got home, so it showed as not being shipped, and the guy messaged me again about it. Did you send doll? #%^^%&*=-!

I am sure I will be updating once the damned thing arrives.

Stupid Week Continues

I have A Sasha doll for sale. The description says:

Tightly strung with brown cording on neck and legs and white on arms.

Only flaws I could find with her is some thinning of hair on the crown (pictured), and a couple of brown specks on her dress under an arm (pictured). Seems to have only been displayed.

Question from idiot potential buyer:

 Hi, does she have white strings in her arms and brown strings in her legs? Is her hair loose or any missing plugs.Thank you.

Was this not mentioned in my description? The preamble to the mentioning of these things is only 2 lines, meaning this genius had only 6 lines to read, but somehow managed to miss those two. Great. Brilliant.

Another Day Another Scammer...

Dear ----------,

There are no markings and this isn't a German doll ...what do I do?

This question was posed to me today, 6 days after the doll that was clearly marked with a number and "Germany" on the back of its head was delivered. I check the bitch's feedback and it's "private". Nope. Nothing suspicious about that.

My textually calm reply (while blood pressure rose and eyes bugged out):

Dear -----------------,

Are you talking about the doll I sent you? It was marked with a number and Germany clearly on the back of the head, but If you wish to return it, then I will refund you fully with whatever you pay for return shipping included upon receipt of it. Please let me know.

Ugh. I feel like she'll probably return something that ISN'T the doll I sent her judging by her hidden feedback. If you're a buyer, and all people can leave are positives, then you're hiding warnings others have left via feedback, or the feedback you left for others so that sellers cannot block you.

Defective Pony Buyer

Wondered why my "defect rate" was still showing as 1 defect a month after it should have showed 0.

Today I found out why because I decided to run a report.

With no communication, and never indicating anything wrong with the transaction, a fucking My Little Pony buyer left me a positive, but a low rating on "item as described" last month. A soft-positive. Guess who's getting blocked? That's right. Why even leave a positive feedback at all if you're going to be a douche with the DSRs?

Another odd thing is, when I run the full report it shows my defect rate tanking in April, but no low rating was given that month. One can only hope that the "defect" will drop off in April instead of fucking July. The pony transaction happened in July. I think they have a bunch of chimps running their defect software for them.

Another reason not to sell shit under $10. I broke my own rule and paid the price...1 ding for a year, for $6.49. It's always the cheap-asses who pay less than $10 for something that leave you bad feedback or complain. People buying higher end shit are generally more tolerant and mentally stable.

It's not Shark Week. It's Stupid Week.

This question was posed to me this morning by a potential bidder. The doll is new in box, never been removed. How the fuck would I know if the head and arms are unattached unless I opened the fuckin' box? Which I refuse to do, because I will ruin the damned packaging and devalue the whole damned thing.

Dear s--------------,

Are the head & arms attached?

- connie---

I checked this dingbat's feedback left for others and she's poison. Left several neutrals and negatives, and lots of negative wording in positive feedback = soft positives. Blocked. I am glad when stupid people ask a question before bidding so I can avoid them before they become my problem.

Buyers Like This Are Why People Get NAD Defects

Details about item: f--------- sent a message about Vintage ------------- Teapot 4 Cups

Mind you, there are no cups pictured, and the description says:

 Vintage teapot. No cracks or chips, there are a couple of glaze skips which I have pictured (handle and under the spout). Holds 4 cups of liquid. Stands 5" with lid.

This dumbass sends me this:

Dear s-------------,

what do the tea cups look like?

Seriously dude? You KNOW this asshole would bid on it and then open a NAD case because there were no teacups with it if I hadn't answered him.

The Life of a Picker

So many times I read about or hear people say that people that sell on ebay or who are in resale have it soo easy. "They just buy shit, take a picture, list it, and then mail it"  It's much more complicated than that, at least in my world. I would not dream of sending out an unidentified, filthy, ratty-haired, smoke-smelling doll to someone. That's bad business.

I decided to post an example of my "easy" profits. I bought these two boxes of naked/semi-naked Barbies for $22 Friday night, after the initial culling there's 93 actual Mattel Barbie/Skipper/Ken dolls, a bunch of loose heads, then about 10-15 off-brand or weird dolls like Britney Spears and some clothes. There were also two pieces of American Girl clothes in the box (bonus!).

I had a painful abscess until I did self-surgery on it last night (long story) so they are getting dealt with a day late :(

The volume is tremendous, but even though they look okay, and it seems on the surface like an "easy" profit, there is a lot of work involved in dealing with them. Sure, I could just chuck them out at a yard sale or fleamarket as is for $1.00 a piece and do okay, but I'd rather get real money for them. In order to do that, there is a process.

Bent Arm Superstars in one bag, Straight arm in the other.

This was the beginning of the sorting, it's all blondes here.

First there is culling. Dolls with missing body parts, chewed hands, or stains are tossed or parts pulled off for reuse. Off-brand dolls are stuck in a separate box for later IDing and sale, clothes are yanked off, because they are rarely, if ever, original to the doll. Clothes are also chucked in a box for later sorting and resale.

I sort by type and as I do, I do research. When was this doll made? Is it scarce? Is the body type a desirable one?
Sorting goes like this:
Superstar face, bent arms.
Superstar face straight arms.
New face, any arms.
Skipper.
Ken.
Ethnic (Hispanic, Indian, African, Asian)
Later I will further sort the newer dolls by body type because some are articulated or have molded non-twist and turn waists. In the late 90's there was an 11 inch Skipper with a Barbie face, the only way you can tell them apart is the feet. I separate those.

Since this particular batch of dolls smells like cigarettes...strongly, I decide to soak them for several hours in lavender baby bath in the tub. After their relaxing soak, they go into the sink. There, I scrub them with a toothbrush and some Awesome, sometimes they need magic eraser. Then I condition the hair with Suave Damage Care and comb the shit out of it to remove the rat nests. Multiply this process by 40 or 50 and you get an idea of what I am now dealing with. Afterward, my hands are like prunes and I wind up with dishpan hands.

Ethnics redheads and brunettes chillin' in the tub after their lavender soak, this is only about 1/4 of the dolls I am dealing with this week. I still have all the damned blondes to deal with.

Scrubbed clean and conditioned.

I trim stray ends, and then set them on a drying rack, usually on the porch, but tonight it's my daughter's room with the ceiling fan going, because Charley is shipping something tonight, and he needs the porch space for a large box. Tomorrow I will comb out their then-dry hair and set them on the porch for a spell because they will probably still stink like smoke.

After I do all this work, I can sell several of them for 7-10 each, mostly teen Skippers, brunettes, and ethnics, and the rest, who are mostly blonde run-of-the-mill Superstar faces in lots of 5 or so depending on type and the volume I have. Some body types are more desirable than others in the OOAK world. After I sell these dolls, they will be wrapped well in pretty tissue and bubble-wrap and boxed in a clean, new box and sent to their new home.

Dill Fickle 2...Electric Booglaloo

This woman asks me about a sewing machine I had on Etsy. She says:

Hi! I'm interested in purchasing this machine, but was curious as to whether it had been in a smoking home or smelled of smoke. If you could let me know, I would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, it looks beautiful. :)

I reply:

No smoking in this home and it's been in my possession for at least 15 years :)

She replies:

Okay. Also, I wanted to mention that my zip code would be -----. The shipping mentions that it's $37, but I know in the listing you said that it would be less for the East Coast. I'm definitely interested in purchasing.

I reply:

 If I ship via FedEx, the shipping cost would be $21.21. Via USPS, the cost is $32.00 to your zip code.

Just to let you know, FedEx cannot deliver to a Post Office box. All other addresses seem to be okay. Let me know which you prefer, and I can either edit the listing to show the shipping you choose or I can refund you the extra money after purchase.

She replies:

 If you could ship it FedEx, that would be great! I can purchase it now and have you refund me the extra. Whatever adjustments you need to make for packing, etc. are fine. Thanks so much!

She buys it, pays for it and then immediately cancels and says:

 I would like to cancel my order #---------, placed on Aug 7, 2014.

I apologize for the inconvenience and look forward to hearing back from you soon. After researching this machine further and taking a closer look at the machine that you have offered for sale, I have strong concerns with regard to the electrical cords and foot pedal. The foot pedal is completely different than I am seeing as would have been original to the machine. I'm very sorry that I didn't take a closer look at this sooner, and very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Thanks,

Oh no, no inconvenience. I only wasted my time looking the shipping up for your ass, and replying to you when I could have been doing something else that would have made me money rather than costing me another .20 fee to re-list what you "bought". The fucking cords on the damned thing are original. And anyway, if you're planning on using the machine and not just displaying it, then who cares what the fucking pedal and cord look like as long as they work? Fucking ridiculous.

Cancellations like this are my biggest beef with Etsy. They should offer a relisting fee refund for when you encounter a fickle buyer.

In A Hurry? Go To A Local Store.

I smell a possible asshole speed bump ahead. It's no surprise to me that the buyer is a "cabbage patch person". Bidder wins item mid-day after I've left the house with the previous days packages. He contacts me 6:11 at night asking when I am going to upload tracking and mail what he bought.

Oh joy. 1 day handling means 1 fuckin' day, not 1 fuckin' hour. Jesus. I think people don't stop and think that there is another average normal person at the other end of these transactions, not some giant shipping company or bloated box store like Wally World.

I think some people must think that ebay sellers have one of those factories like you see on those old cartoons where the item just spits out. It then pops itself into a box, and the mailman is on 24 hour notice, parked right outside waiting to pick it up and run to his Lear jet to fly it to your fuckin' doorstep that same hour.

Charley was like: "That guy can't wait much longer to have tea with his doll so you'd better hurry up and send them"

Things Not To Do

There are a couple of things I've learned not to do in my past year of running a stealth account on ebay that I see people doing all the time and then complaining about.

They call CS and then bitch about how nothing was done. Are you really surprised by this, people?

Don't call Customer Service. All this will do is shine a laser pointer on your account. You will get a Peggy reading a canned response with an accent you do not understand, nothing will get removed or fixed. Then MC999 - Bye bye account.

They cancel transactions, then bitch when they get a defect. Don't pay attention to anything ebay sends you saying this or that won't happen if you do this...it WILL. Don't do it!

When you encounter an idiot who "accidentally" bids on something, don't fuckin' cancel the transaction. You WILL get a defect. Be polite and ass-kissy to the "buyer" and then eat it. Is that lousy buck you're out of via fees worth canning your account over? I didn't think so.